The Happiest Lives Podcast

E44: Listen Up

• Jill M. Lillard, MA LPC • Season 2024 • Episode 44

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This is part 5 of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track.  Recall the last time you felt truly curious and understanding as someone shared their thoughts and feelings.  This week, we unfold the layers of becoming an adept listener, from fostering a nurturing space for heartfelt dialogues to recognizing the unspoken dreams woven into our conflicts. .Listening isn't just about passive absorption; it's a call to active engagement. Join me on today's podcast and unlock the full potential of every conversation.

If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women. Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage

Discover ways to work with me at www.thehappiestlives.com
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com

Speaker 1:

You are listening to the happiest lives podcast with Jill Lillard, episode number 44. Welcome to the happiest lives podcast, where you'll learn to think better, feel better and become the woman God says you already are. Here's your host, jill Lillard. Hey, hey, good morning everybody, or good afternoon, depending what time of the day that you are listening to this. Welcome back to the podcast.

Speaker 1:

We're gonna continue the series how to get your relationship back on track, and so, if you've been listening, I have been giving you some steps that I think you can take to set your relationship in the right direction, and the first thing was to create a healing separation, focusing on your heart of the body, your role, your actions, thoughts, feelings. I Believe you that you can serve the body more effectively and the body is all of us. Where Christ is, the head and Heart of the body that you are serving is within your marriage, within your family, in your home, and you have a role to play, and when you focus on how you are called to show up, you can figure out what you want to do when other people do, what they're going to do, and this will be a complete Energy shift from focusing on how other people should be showing up. We then talked about how to regulate your emotions. At the heart of our relationships are our emotion, all the things that we feel, that come up for us when other people have their own feelings and emotions that may trigger some of our own, because we have thoughts about those feelings. So when you can recognize and be in tune with what it is that you're feeling, acknowledge it, you can figure out how you want to respond to a situation so you're not just reacting emotionally. We then talked about making deposits in your love bank and this is being able to Invest in the good in your relationship.

Speaker 1:

So often we show up and we're trying to figure out how to solve problems and how much are we asking ourselves how do I increase positive sentiments and good feelings in my relationship today? And this is increased Laughter, it's increased turning toward, increased gentleness, increased grace. And so we focused on Gottman's Three foundations of a relationship our friendship, the three components of friendship which are building love maps, that's, knowing your partner, knowing and feeling known, bonus and admiration. We want to nurture that in our relationship and Turning toward versus turning away, that is, making those bids to connect. And then last week we talked about finding the hidden dream in your conflict. If you have a gridlocked issue, we're. Hurt always ensues when you talk about the issue, and so maybe you lock horns, maybe things escalate, or maybe you've just kind of Haken on the thought it's better to deal with this in my own and you're living those separate lives, not really Addressing the issue, which might feel good because you've reduced the conflict, but you feel lonely and isolated in the relationship. We want to figure out how you can turn toward have conversation so you can discover your partner's hidden dream. And and today we're gonna talk about listening how to be a good listener when you have those conversations To search for the hidden dream, conversations to deepen understanding.

Speaker 1:

Maybe you're making some request out of your partner or they're requesting something from you. You want to be able to listen well. Listening is so important if we're gonna have effective conversations. It's easy sometimes for us to share and express ourselves, and we don't always do that in the most effective way possible. But sometimes we skip the part of listening. We may mentally be checking a box off in our head as though we have heard the other person, but if we haven't acknowledged that to the other person, then we are being more of a passive listener. We want to actively engage. So listening isn't just being quiet although that's a big part of it. Sometimes we just need to zip our mouth and tune into what the other person is saying but it is also engaging in a way that is drawing the other person out more so that we can hear More of what it is that they are trying to say, so that they feel heard. So it may be asking some questions and maybe acknowledging things that they have said, and it certainly includes those non verbal cues that you are giving the person who has your attention. So there are five parts that I want to give you that might help you become a better listener.

Speaker 1:

So how many times have you had a conversation where you are sharing something with the other person and maybe it feels like they're just playing on their phone? I know that media electronics screens are a big distraction and someone may be watching a show or fiddling around on their phone and they might say they're listening, but because they're not giving you any indicators, you may not feel heard. And how often have you been that person that you are distracted? I know I'm guilty of that. It's so nice sometimes to be able to stay connected to people through our phones, through texting and messaging apps. It's nice to stay in touch with people that you might not otherwise. But how often have you been with a group of people and you're not present with a group that you're in and when it's you, you might feel like, okay, yes, I'm present and I can just check this really quick. But if you've been on the other end of that, where you feel like people are checked out on their phone, they may not really be acknowledging what it is that you're saying. They may think that they're hearing, but they're not, and so that is one part of being a listener.

Speaker 1:

I think another part is have you been in conversations where it feels like you both are trying to be heard and understand? I see this all the time in couples therapy and it's not much different than toddlers. Sometimes you're just talking past each other and because we may be emotionally fluttered, there may be such intense emotion we want to express and say our part that we might be. The other person may be talking, but we're kind of building our case and thinking of our rebuttal or what we want to say in response to that, rather than setting our own agenda aside and really drawing up the other person. So I think it's a nice idea, if you want to formalize this process, to take turns as speaker and listener. Sometimes people will use a talking stick or a pillow or a squishy ball, or whatever you want it to be, to acknowledge who is the speaker. This person is the one who has the floor and then the other person, by default, is the listener, and that can be helpful if you want to formalize the process a little bit so that you can become a better listener.

Speaker 1:

And so number one of the five tips that I would give you to listen better is to see yourself as a witness and observer of the other person, and this is where I like to use the talk table. So imagine a table in between where you guys are talking, and it is a space where you can set your thoughts and feelings. So imagine when you're having a conversation, if you're the listener, the other person is setting their thoughts and feelings on the table, and you are there to observe and witness and look at what it is that they're putting there, almost like they're taking objects out of their purse, they're dumping out their purse, they're sharing with you the contents of it and you are observing it, and so the two of you can look at what the other person is unpacking from a place of curiosity, and curiosity implies that you're not judging it, you're not trying to fix it, you're simply observing it and asking questions so that you understand better what it is that is on the table. The second part is being able to ask questions to deepen understanding. You could make statements like tell me more about that, is there anything else? When you ask questions, you are actively engaging. Your brain is thinking about what the other person is saying. Now you don't want your questions to be questions that are invertly ways of breaking down the other person's points. You really want to ask those questions from a place of curiosity so that you are understanding more of what they're saying, especially if you're trying to unpack that dream. There are some good questions you can ask, and I have a great list of those that the Gatman Institute provides, where you become the dream catcher and so questions that the listener might ask to find the hidden dream, and I provide all of that inside clarity and courage. If you are interested in that, I also provide that inside relationship or invention, which is starting next month. You can have a list of those questions so you can engage with your partner and try to find the hidden dream.

Speaker 1:

The third tip I would give you if you want to listen up, listen better is restating and paraphrasing what the other person is saying. So I think it's sort of like baking bread and I know I've given this analogy before. If you are making a yeast bread, then you have to mix the ingredients, then you need to let the dough rise. You may need to let it sit there for an hour and rise and then you bake it. If you skip the middle part of letting the dough rise and you just mix the ingredients and put it in the oven, you're not going to have this fluffy loaf of bread that we all enjoy it's. You're going to miss the whole, a big step in the process, and I think that's what listening is. When we skip the part of letting the other person know, or checking in with the other person, that we understand what they are saying, then it's like we're missing the part of letting the dough rise. So when somebody shares something, if we are just checking the box off on our head and then saying our position on the situation, we have missed the part of letting the dough rise and the conversation is not going to accomplish or feel as good as it could at the end.

Speaker 1:

And so, to listen better, you want to be able to restate or paraphrase what the other person is saying. So you may go like this so what I hear you saying is and then say what did you hear them saying? If they seem frustrated, you could point out that observation. So it seems that you're very frustrated and it sounds like when Jimmy did this, it made you feel frustrated because you were thinking that he didn't respect you. Is that right? And the other person can respond no, I'm not frustrated at all, I'm just feeling maybe a little bit overwhelmed. And so they might clarify, and that's how you can figure out if you're on the right track of what it is that you're sharing, rather than just assuming that you two completely understand what it is that they're trying to tell you.

Speaker 1:

So restate and paraphrase what you hear the other person saying. So the fourth thing that we can do is validate what the other person is saying. It may be a statement like well, and that makes sense to me, because so you want to find some part of what they're saying that does make sense to you. Now, validating does not mean you agree with what it is that they're thinking or feeling, but you are able to see where they're coming from, why they might have felt hurt, why they might have thought that you were listening to them, why they might have thought that you didn't care about their thoughts or feelings, and so you might validate how that makes sense, what part of it makes sense to you as you are listening to what they're saying.

Speaker 1:

And then the last part of being a good listener is asking the question. When you feel like you have all the questions, tell me more. Is there anything else you have to say about that? If you feel like you've shown up in a way that you are a witness, you're curious. If you've restated and paraphrased what it is that they're saying, you validated some of the points that they've made, then you might ask the question do you feel like I understand? Check in with the other person that they feel heard, and when they say, yes, I do feel like you understand, then you can move on and ask is it okay if I'm the speaker now? Can I share my thoughts and feelings about the situation? If that is in order, if there's something that you want to share as well. This can be very helpful because if the other person does not feel understood, you're giving them a chance to say, no, I'm not, I'm not feeling heard, I'm not feeling understood, and so you can continue to actively listen to them as an observer, a witness to what it is that they are sharing. So I know for myself.

Speaker 1:

I went through a period when my daughter was in middle school, and middle schoolers have lots of feelings, they have lots of thoughts, and sometimes their perspective, their rationale about things isn't the same as an adult and they don't have the life experience that we have, and they have a lot of hormones, a lot of things changing in their bodies. And so for me, as I made that adjustment of her being a child and moving into that thinking that is more abstract, where she can rationalize and reason more and find her way in the world, she would express emotions and thoughts that I thought were helpful at all, and so I would want to jump in to fix that, to correct it, to tell her the right way to think about things, which is not helpful at all. I've been on the receiving end of that, where maybe I'm not being rational, that my emotions have gotten the best of me, and if someone dives in to correct you and tell you the right way to think about that, that doesn't always go so well because you don't feel heard, and so you might just get more entrenched in your emotions, and I think that's what was happening between us, or maybe she would just quit sharing with me. And so a thought that was really helpful for me so that I could show up as a better listener, because my goal was the ultimate result I wanted was to stay connected to her, to be a safe place where she could process through things, and when the actions I would take are the ones I just shared with you, the five steps. I wanted to take those actions, and so I needed to have a feeling that helped me feel calm, relaxed, open, and so the thought that I picked when I was in the middle of a conversation with her was I am here to listen and the result that would create was I was there to listen and when I would think that thought that would make me feel calmer, it would redirect me so that I could be curious, observe, I could ask questions that would help me deep in understanding of what she was thinking. I wasn't taking ownership of the problem of her thoughts and feelings.

Speaker 1:

So, once again, if you go back to the talk table, this neutral space where the other person is setting their thoughts and feelings, I was able to let those thoughts and feelings stay on the table without feeling like I had to fix them. I could respect that she could find her way and figure out what she wanted to do with those things, but I might be able to ask her questions that would help her problem solve or process through what it was that she was thinking or feeling. So being able to have a power thought, a thought that is going to generate the right emotion, whether that's curiosity or openness, maybe sometimes we need to have a sense of humility, where we're not thinking we're superior to someone else, maybe a sense of empathy, whatever that is. You want to think, what thought is going to help redirect you so that you can show up as a better listener? So that concludes our lesson today on how to listen up in your conversations, and this is going to help you get your relationship back on track if you have grown disconnected.

Speaker 1:

And just to summarize, the parts that I think make for a good listener are number one being able to observe, witness and be curious. So use the talk table so that you can show up as an observer in the conversation. Two, being able to ask questions to deepen understanding, such as tell me more, is there anything else? Three, restating and paraphrasing with the other person to say stating so you're not simply checking it off in your head, but you're saying so, this is what I hear you saying, you're checking in with that, and then I think, being able to validate what the other person is expressing. It doesn't mean you have to agree, but you're acknowledging.

Speaker 1:

That makes sense to me because and then the last one is checking in at the end. Do you feel like? I understand where you're coming from? So I look forward to seeing you guys next week on the podcast. We're going to talk about sharing honest. So the second part of a conversation is being the person who is sharing, and if you're not showing up honestly in your conversations, in your relationship, and sharing from a place that is honest and genuine, but also that is open and relaxed, then you may not be having the best conversation. So I want to give you tips so that you can be a better speaker, a better sharer in your conversations. I hope you guys have a great week and I will talk to you next week.