The Happiest Lives Podcast
The Happiest Lives was designed for Christian women who want to stop being disappointed in their relationships and feel more loved and loving. Here you will learn to think better, feel better, and love better.
This podcast is hosted by Jill M. Lillard, MA LPC, a licensed counselor, and Gottman Certified Couples Therapist. Jill has been helping people manage their minds, process their feelings, and have better relationships for over 25 years.
For application exercises and support in applying the concepts learned on the podcasts, you can access growth tools + Live Coaching inside her cost-effective coaching program: Clarity+Courage. Join and cancel anytime.
For more intensive support, check out Jill's signature coaching program, The Happiest Lives Academy, where you receive all you need to make FIVE transformations in FIVE months. Registration opens once a year.
Discover all her programs and courses at www.myhappyvault.com.
You can email Jill at jill@thehappiestlives.com.
The Happiest Lives Podcast
E24: Renew: What Else is Possible?
Ever wished you could hit the pause button on life's overwhelming problems and breathe? Welcome to the place where that dream becomes a reality. We're continuing our Heart Scan Series with step two of the process: RENEW. Together, we'll explore how to quiet the storm of fear and confusion and channel our problems into something far bigger than us. Let's uncover the biblical truths hidden in the lives of Paul and Joseph and allow the Holy Spirit to work wonders in our lives. Change begins not with new actions but with a transformed heart.
Need a little more incentive to jump on this transformational journey? Why not take the Happiest Lives Academy for a spin during our Heart Scan Week? This is your golden ticket to a life-changing experience that combines the power of community, coaching, and direct feedback on your Heart Scans. It’s not just about renewing your mind; it's about transforming your life. So, why wait? Visit myhappyvault.com and sign up today for just $27. We can't wait to welcome you into our community of Christian women eager to live their happiest lives.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women. Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Discover ways to work with me at www.thehappiestlives.com
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
You are listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with Jill Lillard, episode number 24. Welcome to the Happiest Lives podcast, where you'll learn to think better, feel better and become the woman God says you already are. Here's your host, jill Lillard. Welcome back, everybody. This is part two of the HeartScan process series. All month on the podcast and inside my coaching programs, we're talking about the HeartScan and we're applying it to real problems, and the last week in October I'm hosting a live workshop where I will help you apply this tool, as I coach ladies on any and all problems you may be encountering. You can learn more at myhappyvaultcom.
Speaker 1:So today we're going to talk about the second part of HeartScanning renew. What else is possible? Last week we discussed needing a process to face our life and relationship problems, as I introduced my signature process for looking at your problems and creating a better life. The HeartScan helps us sit far from our problems, get out of the pool and see things from a new perspective. It helps us pause and stop spinning in confusion, overwhelm and fear as we plug our problem into something bigger than ourselves. The process shifts our energy off of what we can't control and onto the one who is in control and what he has given us agency over our thoughts, feelings and actions. The HeartScan is an accumulation of my observations as a clinician studying cognitive and behavioral sciences and emotion focused therapy and applying it to relationships in life. God is the creator of our brains and bodies, and so I like to think cognitive and behavioral science and the study of emotions and chemicals in your body are making observations of God's laws as we study and understand what it means to be a human with a body, mind and spirit.
Speaker 1:Christianity and psychology have some things in common. They both state that our actions are the product of inner processes. But where psychology and science fail on their own is in acknowledging the spiritual realm, the work of the Holy Spirit in our minds, emotions and will. As a therapist who has studied and applied the behavioral science of cognition and emotions to nurturing our relationship with God, self and others, I always do so through the lens of scripture, the gospel message, our relationship with Christ in the process of salvation and sanctification. And so the HeartScan process is not a substitute for the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and mind. Rather, it's a comprehensive, engaging and fun way to apply these truths. So last week we highlighted the first part of the HeartScan process expose, where we used the self-coaching model to bring what is hidden into the light.
Speaker 1:And today we're going to talk about the second part of HeartScanning, which is renew. If the way you've been perceiving things and reacting to your circumstances is not glorifying the Lord serving you or the greater whole, then it's time to renew your mind. So last week, as I taught you how to expose the problem, you learned how to create an unintentional model, and an unintentional model shows us what is happening in default mode. Something happens. You have a thought which creates a feeling that fuels an action and that gets you results. The example I gave of an unintentional model was something like this your husband says words and if you're thinking he's being a jerk, you're going to feel annoyed and maybe you react by getting short and snappy. You withdraw a little bit, you ignore his bids to connect and the result is you are being a jerk. So now we want to, number one, decide do we like this unintentional model? Do we like what's happening on default mode? Do we want to keep it? Do we like the result Our thought is getting us? Now I don't think most of us want to be jerky, and so if this were my model, I would say my thought is not serving me because it is getting me a result that I'm not satisfied with. The husband's words aren't making the wife act like a jerk. She is acting like a jerk because of her thoughts about the situation, her thoughts about his words.
Speaker 1:Now my mama taught me the think acronym to evaluate my thoughts. It's based on Philippians 4-8. I call it the whatsoever-think passage. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things. So the think acronym is is the thought true? That's the T. A lot of the time we hold onto thoughts as though they are facts, even though it is just your assessment. The whole wide world would not agree on what you are making the circumstance mean. So your thoughts are always optional. We want to separate the facts, the circumstance, from our thoughts and determine if the thought is true.
Speaker 1:Is the thought helpful? Does this thought help you? Does it serve others? Does it glorify the Lord? If not, you might want to find a new thought the I is. Is it inspiring? Does this thought inspire me to be a better person? Does it inspire me to love better? Is it necessary? Do I have to keep it? The answer is always no. I want you to keep the thought because you want to, not because you ever have to. And lastly, is my thought kind? Is your thought considerate, generous and full of abundance? Those are the kind of thoughts you want to nurture. Remember, our circumstances do not define our life experiences or happiness.
Speaker 1:Paul was beaten, he was in chains, he was shipwrecked I know I give you this example over and over again. He was in prison, all of these things, and yet he considered it all joy. He continued to bear fruit in his life. He continued to do the work that God called him to do. He was living a meaningful and powerful life. He was not a powerless victim. His perspective, his thoughts, what he was choosing to believe defined his situation. His thoughts invited and allowed the Holy Spirit to work with him. We can also think of Joseph. His life was marked by betrayal, slavery and imprisonment. We read this in Genesis. Despite his challenging circumstances, betrayal and hardships, he maintained a positive outlook. He kept his eyes on God Instead of holding onto thoughts that fueled bitterness or hatred, victimhood. He rose above his circumstance, believing that God would use all of this for a more excellent end, and God did. God was faithful. He showed up in his life.
Speaker 1:Proverbs 23.7 says for as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. So who are you? How are you? Is a reflection of your hearts. Our heart is our mind, emotions and will. So what are you? Willfully choosing to think about your situation? Romans 12, two. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is his good, pleasing and perfect will. You wanna know God's will for your life? Let him transform your mind. Ephesians 4, 22 through 24,.
Speaker 1:You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. When we change the attitude of our minds, when we renew our minds, when we change the way we think, we change how we show up, we change the results we are creating, and it does not all depend on you, it doesn't all depend on me. We are partnering with the Holy Spirit so that he can complete the good work he started in us. We just participate with our minds. So how do we renew our minds?
Speaker 1:If you have assessed your unintentional model and determine that it's not serving you? Maybe you've used that think acronym, you've looked at the result and you don't like that result you're experiencing. You know it's because of your thought, your assessment of the circumstance, what you're meditating on, the thought running the show on the back burner. But what should you think instead? How do you decide? Well, you can start on the result line of your unintentional model and reverse engineer a new thought. So I like to create a new intentional model and put it beside my unintentional model, and I like to start on the bottom on the result line and pick a new result and then reverse engineer it. And that's how I'm going to discover what I want to think instead.
Speaker 1:What result would you like in your situation? So we're not going to change our circumstance, we're going to keep that the same. In the example I gave last week, husband says words we are going to keep that circumstance, but we're going to change the result. We don't want to be jerky anymore. We don't want to show up as a jerk. If we use last week's model where the unintentional result is I'm being a jerk and you decide you don't want that result, you could then consider what new result you would like. We keep the C, the same husband says word, but we change the results you are creating.
Speaker 1:So other possible results are I'm loving, I appreciate the wife I'm being, I appreciate him. I find evidence that he is doing the best he can. I'm kind, I'm engaged positively with my husband, I make room for love. You get to decide whatever R you want. So let's say you pick the result I appreciate the wife I am being. You can then ask how would I be acting if I was appreciating the wife I am? The answer is going to go on the action line. So, right above the results, you're going to put your actions in your new intentional model and it's going to include things like I turn toward him, I share my thoughts and feelings, I treat him with kindness and compassion, I'm open to his bids to connect. I release bitterness, I make bids to connect, I set healthy boundaries. So whatever you think those actions are that are going to create the result. You put those there.
Speaker 1:Next, ask yourself how you would need to feel to act this way, and this is going to go on your new intentional model, above the actions. So you pick a feeling like on curious, open, loving, kind, patient, resolute, whatever feeling you think is going to fuel those actions. You pick one of those one feeling and put it there. And, lastly, you're going to pick a thought that would generate that feeling. That's going to create that emotion. Or maybe you want to feel more open, so you may pick a thought. Like he is having thoughts and feelings and that's okay. He gets to think and feel whatever he wants. If you want to feel more resolute, maybe your thought is I can still love Whatever thought you think is going to create that emotion. Try on some different thoughts and pick one that really resonates with you. So picking a new thought will drive new feelings, which will create new actions, which is going to get you that result.
Speaker 1:Remember, your life does not have to happen on default. You can decide how you want to show up. You have been given free will to be the person you want to be in all circumstances. The Lord instructs us to guard our hearts and minds and be willing to be transformed. This is a fun way to engage in that process that helps us get outside of our problems and look at things and determine what spirit is ruling our life and consider what else is possible. So we've talked about using the self-coaching models to expose and renew, and next week we're going to talk about the fourth part of heart scanning, which is engage, and so if you want to learn more about this process, the last week in October I want to invite you to Heart Scan Week. It's my favorite week of the whole year.
Speaker 1:October 23rd through the 27th. We are going to meet for one hour each day and I'm going to teach you a little bit, but mostly we're going to create some space for coaching. You can bring up a specific situation in your life and I will coach you on it, and I'm going to help you plug it into an unintentional model. And if you don't want to be coached on anything, you don't have to be. You can watch somebody else get coached, which is a very powerful experience, and I'm going to help you create new intentional models. Plus, you get to join the Slack group where you can ask me anything. You have 24-7 access to me and you get to be part of a community of other women.
Speaker 1:This is a great way to test drive the Happiest Lives Academy, which is going to run January through May of 2024. This is why I do Heart Scan Week in October, because I'm recruiting my next group of women who want to go through five transformations in the Happiest Lives Academy, and this is the best way I can give you to test drive that program. You can see what it feels like to be coached, what it feels like to be part of a group of Christian women, what it feels like to post Heart Scans and get feedback. It's just a small taste. It's really hard to give you that experience without actually having it, but this is the best way. I know how. So if you would like to join me in Heart Scan Week, go to myhappyvaultcom. Look for the banner at the top where you can click and sign up. It's only $27. It's a wonderful steal. I hope to see you guys there and until then, happy Heart Scanning.