The Happiest Lives Podcast
The Happiest Lives was designed for Christian women who want to stop being disappointed in their relationships and feel more loved and loving. Here you will learn to think better, feel better, and love better.
This podcast is hosted by Jill M. Lillard, MA LPC, a licensed counselor, and Gottman Certified Couples Therapist. Jill has been helping people manage their minds, process their feelings, and have better relationships for over 25 years.
For application exercises and support in applying the concepts learned on the podcasts, you can access growth tools + Live Coaching inside her cost-effective coaching program: Clarity+Courage. Join and cancel anytime.
For more intensive support, check out Jill's signature coaching program, The Happiest Lives Academy, where you receive all you need to make FIVE transformations in FIVE months. Registration opens once a year.
Discover all her programs and courses at www.myhappyvault.com.
You can email Jill at jill@thehappiestlives.com.
The Happiest Lives Podcast
E15: Feelings On Purpose
What if you could unlock the secret to living a life fueled by emotions on purpose? As we explore the relationship between Being & Doing, we delve into why we want what we want and what it is that we think will make us happy. You will learn how to feel on purpose, owning your emotional experiences. In this episode Jill shares valuable techniques for identifying the desired feelings and sensations you want to experience, as well as crafting thoughts that lead to those emotions. Learn from three essential scriptures that emphasize choosing our thoughts to redirect our lives.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women. Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Discover ways to work with me at www.thehappiestlives.com
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
You're listening to the Happiest Lives Podcast with Jill Lillard, episode number 15. Welcome to the Happiest Lives Podcast, where you'll learn to think better, feel better and become the woman God says you already are. Here's your host, jill Lillard. Hi everybody, welcome to the podcast. It really means so much to me that you're here And if you've been following me over the past several months, allowing me to walk with you on this journey of your life to some capacity, i want to say thank you. It really is my heart's desire in this podcast to give you a better understanding of the concepts that are interwoven throughout my coaching business, so you can understand what an asset these tools can be in your own life. Learning how to talk to yourself and look at your inner world is foundational to better relationships, not just with other people, but with yourself and with the Lord, and I really think it's such fun and worthwhile work. So all month long, we are talking about being and doing.
Speaker 1:Some of you may consider yourself to be more of a doer, while others aspire to simply be. My husband tells me I'm a doer and I definitely agree that I find value in taking action. It feels like an expression of my true self when I can make my values and beliefs tangible, and he would probably say that I could learn to be a better be your. And I agree with that to some extent, as sometimes I have a hard time seeing my value outside of my actions. An example of this is he tells me that I'm our dog's favorite person. I see it's because of the way I'm there for her. I always make sure she's fed and that there's water in her dish. I'm constantly tuning into her needs and responding to it. And he says that is not why she loves me and that this is a another example of me thinking about it being my doing, and not simply being who I am, that makes me lovable. I know I am simply lovable because God loves me and my actions don't increase my lovability. But it is hard for me to know who I am outside of expressing myself through my actions. As I teach here, our actions are doing flows from our thoughts and feelings, which are all aspects of being.
Speaker 1:If I didn't tune into my dog's needs and love her the way I do, i would not be connecting with her in a meaningful way And I don't think I would be her favorite person. Now, that's not true or not true. We don't know if I'm her favorite person or not. We don't know if she would respond to me any different. She may not respond to me any different if I wasn't doing those things, because it's not based on really what I'm doing, but based on my dog's experience of me, of whatever's going on in her dog brain. Now I don't do those things to try to manipulate and be my dog's favorite person. They are just an expression of my heart, my attitude. They are an expression of who I am.
Speaker 1:So I'm still not entirely sure how to separate the being and the doing, though I do see my husband has some good points of the value of just being able to be still and do nothing, which to me is still some form of doing. I would say that being and doing are both essential to human life and really they are so interdependent And so it's hard to separate them. I know some people like to go to one camp or the other, highlighting one as the way to do life, but I don't think that we can truly separate them. I consider being to be an internal state of your existence, and so it includes your self-identity, your subjective experience. So that's all your thoughts. This embodies your sense of worth, values and character, as well as your emotions. There are intentional and conscious actions happening as you recognize this state of consciousness or unconsciousness. There are actions that are going to spring and flow from the being. So doing is focused on your external actions, how you are engaging with the world, and that includes your behaviors, your accomplishments, all the things you do and don't do. As we discussed on the last podcast, there is a direct relationship between our thoughts, feelings and actions. They are interrelated. Who you think you are flows into what you do. Your sense of purpose or worth impacts you emotionally, which will create a fuel for all your actions and inactions.
Speaker 1:So today, on this topic of being and doing, i want to focus on emotions, feeling and, in particular, feeling on purpose. What does that mean? Most of us want to feel happy. We want to experience positive emotions. Everything we do is a pursuit of feeling better. We do things because we think it will make us happy. We evaluate our life by the sense of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. So oftentimes, many of us believe happiness or unhappiness is just happening to us and that our state of being is not something we Can control. And this brings my mind to all the conversations I heard in college and graduate school about altruistic actions like our. Is there such a thing as altruism? are or Are we all really selfish, that we are motivated because something makes us feel good And so there may be something nice that you're doing for something else Which could create good feelings in you, and so it kind of becomes a way that you you do that, even obeying and following the Lord. We do that because we believe it is the best way for ourselves.
Speaker 1:So having a happy life, it has nothing to do with your circumstance. It's not determined by wealth or material things and it's not created by a perfect job or friend group or whether we have kids. It's not caused by a number on the scale or the size that you wear. Have you ever thought, if you looked a certain way, that you would be happier, whether it was clearer skin, thicker hair, more curves, less curves? yet We know changing the circumstance won't make you happier. There are plenty of people who are thin, a perfect skin and hair, and they are miserable. There are people playing at the top of their sport or who made top-selling blockbuster movies and performed at sold-out concerts, and while they may enjoy the perks of those accomplishments or a temporary Adrenaline rush, it doesn't change their state of feeling and being in a sustainable way. They are still left with who they are on the inside, all their feelings, all their thoughts.
Speaker 1:What is that goal or achievement that you think would make you happier? Now let me ask you it this way if you were happier, would you even care about that goal anymore? or do you believe the achieved goal and happiness are the same thing? What is it that you want? Is it really the accomplishment, or is it what you think the accomplishment would make you feel? Do you think the doing will create the being? Consider this if you reach the goal lose the weight, hit the mark, make the sale, get the house, have the kids if your husband Does all the things you hoped he would do, what will be different and what will be the same? really think about that, because Oftentimes we get our eyes set on something we want that we imagine will make our life Magical and beautiful and amazing and perfect, when that simply is not true.
Speaker 1:We may put a goal or desire out there because if we achieve it or get it, then we believe we have some sense of control over our lives. How many of you thought, when you found that perfect person and got married, then your life would be complete. And Then if you had kids, then your life would be better. Then if your kids just grew up and we're out of diapers, then life would be better. And then, when they left the house, life would be better. And then if all your kids were back home, then life would be better. So the only reason Why any of us ever want something is because of how we believe we will feel if we had it. So how would you feel if you did or got the thing that you wanted?
Speaker 1:You can then ask if you could feel however you wanted to feel, how would that be? does that feeling match the feeling you believe the fulfilled desire would give you? a client Told me the reason she wanted her husband to compliment her more was then she would feel lovable and worthy. And another client told me if she lost 20 pounds she would feel competent. And Another client believed if she had $20,000 in the bank, she would feel secure. What is it that you want to feel? ask yourself what you think would give you that feeling. Is your answer something external, something that you need to achieve, or something someone else needs to give you. What if I told you the answer was not anything external, but rather it was your thoughts that would create the feeling. Whatever you think you would feel by doing or having the thing. That feeling is available now. Whether you want to feel worthy, lovable, joyful, peaceful, confident, secure, whatever you desire the most, that is available to you.
Speaker 1:Today, i teach my clients that emotions are physical sensations inside our bodies. That's it. So, whether it's a positive or negative emotion, you want to be willing to feel it. To feel, we must become a witness to our experience. To do this, to become a witness, try to describe the sensations you are experiencing in your body as you have a feeling, almost like you would try to describe physical pain to a doctor. So, just like we do certain things to feel positive emotion, we avoid doing certain things because we don't want to feel something. However, if you're willing to feel any emotion and get good at consciously feeling things, you will stop resisting certain things in life because you will no longer be afraid to feel. That's when we're willing to step outside of our comfort zone and do things despite our fear, uncertainty and other vulnerable emotions. Being willing to feel anything and having the skill set to create new feelings by changing your mindset will help you become the woman God says you already are. So what do you do with your feelings? I have a whole course on this, inside Clarity and Courage coaching. In fact, there's several courses on this subject, but my favorite one is How to Feel, and if you go inside Clarity and Courage, you will want to check it out. Along with the lesson and the worksheet that you get, you can also access coaching call replays that will help you learn this powerful skill set.
Speaker 1:If you want to generate more positive emotions, i recommend identifying the particular feeling you want to experience and then identifying what it feels like in your body. How does it feel compared to how you have been feeling? What are the physical sensations? Next, ask what would you be thinking if you felt this feeling? So, if I felt peaceful, what would I be thinking without changing the circumstance that makes me feel peace? If I was happy, what would I be thinking If I felt loved? what would the thought be? If you're having a hard time identifying the thought, let me ask you another way. What circumstance do you think would make you happy? Imagine you had this thing that you longed for and desired and wanted. Imagine it's yours. How do you feel? What is the feeling that creates? What are you thinking that is creating that feeling? What is your thought about the circumstance? That's what's creating your feeling And that thought is available to you now.
Speaker 1:For example, you may want your husband to be a person who shares his feelings and compliments you and is really emotionally connected. Now imagine you get this. He compliments you on the regular, telling you how beautiful you are, and he shares his feelings with you. What would you be thinking that you weren't thinking before? My husband is so amazing. He's so supportive. I feel so confident and beautiful. I'm lovable. I don't have to doubt my worth and value anymore. May have some thoughts that sound something like that, and if you believe those thoughts, you're going to feel wonderful. The truth is, all of us are worthy and lovable and none of us needs to doubt ourselves. So maybe your husband does not start complimenting you, but you decide you don't have to question your worth and value. You start to believe you are lovable because God knit you together with intention and you are his daughter. When you purposefully choose this thought, you start to notice you feel better because there's so much truth to it. Nothing externally has changed just what you chose to think. Maybe it sounds ridiculous to think that changing your thoughts can change your physiology and emotional vibrations, but it is so true.
Speaker 1:I want to highlight three passages of scripture that reiterate the importance of choosing our thoughts to redirect our lives. In Philippians 4-8, which I refer to as the whatsoever think passage, we are encouraged to focus our minds on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Proverbs 23-7 says for as he thinks in his heart, so is he. This passage reminds us that your mind shapes your character and actions. The thoughts we entertain are fruitful. Our thoughts invite the presence of the Holy Spirit or our thoughts can reject the Holy Spirit, and Romans 12-2 emphasizes the need for mind renewal and transformation. By aligning our thoughts with God's truth and renewing our minds, we will experience positive emotional changes and better discern God's will for our lives.
Speaker 1:Every feeling you have goes back to a thought. If I lost my child, i would feel immense sorrow, but it is not because my child died, but rather because of what I would be thinking about my child dying. You would not have the same thoughts as I did about my child dying, and so we would not have the same feelings. Can you see it? It is the thought creating the feeling, not the circumstance creating the feeling In your relationship with other people. What you are thinking about the other person determines how you feel about them. You may think that your husband's words or actions determine how you feel, but they don't. He cannot tell you how to think or feel. You get to decide all of that. That doesn't mean you will want to feel happy about everything, but you consciously get to choose Whatever you decide to think about. That will determine how you feel.
Speaker 1:Your joy, peace and happiness starts in your mind. When I meditate on scripture and biblical truths, i experience increased peace, security and centeredness. If I practice believing that I have all I need and that God has assigned me my portion in my cup and my lot is secure in him, then I feel secure. When I think that God is good and faithful and that he will never, ever stop being good to me, i have confidence. I could have the same life and think that I don't have all that I need, nor appreciate what I have. I could worry that it will all unravel and that God's goodness will end and suddenly, with these thoughts, my life would be miserable. The only difference is what thoughts I'm investing in, what truths I'm declaring and living out.
Speaker 1:How I think determines how I feel, because thoughts create feelings. So if you want to know why you are feeling the way you are, ask what am I thinking? If you are feeling something you don't want to feel, the good news is your brain is creating it, which means you can change it. You have free will to think, feel and do what you want. Your circumstances don't have to change for you to feel better Now. this does not mean you should try and feel exuberant all the time, and you don't want to try and outrun negative emotions by swapping your thoughts. Thought swapping never works. We must be willing to feel anything, even as we generate new feelings. If someone I love dies, i want to feel sad. When my friend gets a life-altering medical diagnosis, i want to agree with her. When I go to a concert, i want to feel excited, but when I'm walking through the woods, i might want to feel more contemplative. I get to decide. My feelings aren't just happening to me Inside one of my programs, the Happiest Lives Academy.
Speaker 1:It is an intensive five-month program where I work with Christian women who want to undergo these five transformations in five months. We spend one entire month dedicated to doing this emotional work, learning how to allow and experience emotions without indulging or resisting them. And for that month the ladies pick three feelings They typically find themselves wanting to avoid. It could be boredom, discomfort, fear. And we do the work of being willing to feel those things on purpose, without believing or obeying the feeling, without reacting from it. And when they're willing to feel the feeling, they're no longer falling into it unconsciously or wasting energy trying to outrun the feeling. They relax into it without reacting to it. It's a very powerful skill set. I think we all need to have it, and when you're willing to feel anything, you will no longer be spinning in your emotions. In this program they also identify three feelings they would like to create more of in their life. We identify the thoughts that generate the feeling and then we practice feeling the emotion in their bodies. If we haven't felt those emotions before, we are kind of they're kind of foreign to us and we're more familiar with more negative emotions. We do have to practice allowing ourselves to have that experience so that we can recognize the emotion.
Speaker 1:If you have any interest in going through the Academy. It will run again from January to May next year And this fall I will be offering a test drive of the Academy which is free to anyone who is in clarity and courage. We test drive for one week and it's such an engaging and inspiring week for the women. I really enjoy this week, so feel free to email me if you would like to get on the waitlist for that, and you can find my email in my podcast description. It's Jill at the happiestlivescom.
Speaker 1:So the Academy is a big investment. I just like to put it out there if it's something you want to consider. And you can also do some less intensive but very powerful work, starting today inside clarity and courage. I highly recommend that program as well. As many of our Academy graduates started off in CNC. Hopefully I'm going to get to meet some of you there and that I can help you learn how to feel on purpose And this whole month I can help you learn this art of being and doing. And, by the way, if you love this podcast and want to leave me a review on your podcast player, that would mean so much to me. I hope you all have a beautiful day and I look forward to talking to you again next week.