This is part four of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track. Have you ever felt like your relationship is stuck in a cycle of the same old arguments? In today's episode, we dive into the heart of recurring conflicts, revealing how behind every gridlock issue is a hidden dream. This isn't just about finding common ground—it's about fostering a deeper understanding and intimacy with your partner. Join us as we share strategies for creating a safe space for dialogue, where supporting each other's dreams helps strengthen your relationship.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
This is part four of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track. Have you ever felt like your relationship is stuck in a cycle of the same old arguments? In today's episode, we dive into the heart of recurring conflicts, revealing how behind every gridlock issue is a hidden dream. This isn't just about finding common ground—it's about fostering a deeper understanding and intimacy with your partner. Join us as we share strategies for creating a safe space for dialogue, where supporting each other's dreams helps strengthen your relationship.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
You were listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with Jill Lillard, episode number 43. Welcome to the Happiest Lives podcast, where you'll learn to think better, feel better and become the woman God says you already are. Here's your host, jill Lillard Hello, hello everybody. We are about halfway through this series how to Get your Relationship Back on Track. So I hope that you are enjoying it, that you are finding it helpful. We thus far have talked about creating a healing separation in your relationship, regulating your emotions, making deposits in your love bank, and today we are going to find the hidden dream.
Speaker 1:So John Gottman uncovered that many seemingly trivial and frustrating issues are deeply rooted in your most profound and meaningful dreams, those desires, things that you want for your individual life and the life that you share together. And sometimes we get gridlocked. We come head to head with maybe some competing desires and interests and we feel that our dream is at stake when the other person is maybe wanting something else and we might just become flooded, overwhelmed, and then we aren't able to really listen and explore options and deep an understanding of the other person and what their dream is, and then we don't become very good at sharing our dream and we may not even be aware there is actually a hidden dream that we're fighting about. We may just think that we're fighting about the television, or a vacation, or buying a new car, whatever it is, if there's always something more to it than that. So if you find that you and your partner are perceiving each other's positions on reoccurring issues as irrational, unreasonable, unnecessarily inflexible or entirely incomprehensible, you are not alone. If you do that, though, it will likely lead to feelings of betrayal, disrespect, hurt, isolation or a general sense of detachment, and that's why we want to be able to deepen understanding so that we can move past gridlock, and the only way to do this is to uncover the hidden dreams and to really talk about what it is that we're actually talking about. So I love this quote from Dr John Gottman very insightful. He says acknowledging and respecting each other's deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.
Speaker 1:I find this is really hard for couples to do. It seems sometimes that they just don't care what the other person's dream is. But I know deep down they probably do. They just feel, maybe, that what they want is being threatened or they're not feeling heard, and so we kind of can show up selfishly, maybe a little superior to the other person, and we're not really listening. But if you slow down and ask yourself do I care about this other person's dreams, hopes, desires, is it important to me and am I sharing my biggest hope, dreams and desires in a way that is non-judgmental, no questions to ask? So there is a connection between unfulfilled dreams and gridlock conflicts in a relationship.
Speaker 1:So ongoing, perpetual conflicts often originate from profound differences in our personality, our lifestyle preferences, and it just goes back to the bones of who you are your family of origin issues, your different personalities, things that maybe have happened in your life, and so you may never see eye to eye on these different wishes, desires, interests. When we explore the impact of feeling restricted in achieving our personal dreams within an intimate relationship, we are actually able to have a conversation where we're not just trying to resolve and solve the issue, we're not just fighting to get our way or to be heard, but we're actually slowing it down so that we can understand each other on a deeper, more intimate level. So we want to be able to unearth the buried dreams. The difficulty of accessing these dreams is real. You have a busy life, things are going on. Something may come up, there may be conflict, but then everything gets lost in the shuffling, maybe you don't go back to the conversation, and so there are real world stressors, other things going on in your life, and so we may not even take time to be aware of our own dreams, much less our partner's dream. But there is such a value when we are allowed to explore thoughts like doing that. Personally, I love having quiet time in the morning. I call it my time with the Lord, but it is a time where I look inward what am I thinking, what am I feeling, and I invite the Lord into that space to explore all of those inner thoughts and feelings that I'm having. And that helps me know myself better, and I can't express myself to my partner better or show up more authentically if I don't even know myself. But if you can create that space, I think, first for yourself and then within your relationship, a space where you can allow some free, willing thoughts, that space will reveal new and exciting insights into each of your lives. It will create space for growth, opportunity and really reinvention. That's one thing that I've been talking about this month.
Speaker 1:This series is actually kind of a tease. Is tease the word, a primer, a carrot. I'm trying to pull you in and draw you into a new group program. Well, it's not brand new. I did it once last year, but I'm offering it again this year relationship reinvention, and I'm going to do some group coaching with couples. If you haven't done group coaching, it's a powerful experience and I feel like we had a really effective group last year. It's a 12 week experience for couples. It's virtual, it's online, there's things you do at home and there is live coaching calls with me, and so if you want to reinvent your relationship, if you want to explore some hidden dreams, but you want all these tools and more, then you want to sign up for relationship reinvention and closes next week. We start March versus when everything unlocks, so don't miss this opportunity. Go to myhappyvoltcom backslash reinvention and you can find the link to that. Okay, quick little promo there in the middle.
Speaker 1:So I got off track a little bit. I just heard revealing new and exciting insights into your life and it made me think of reinvention. So it is really important to have open communication so that you can overcome these gridlocked issues and understand each other's hopes, aspirations and life goals better, and so I encourage you in the promptings of John Gottman to become a dream detective. I encourage contemplation of the buried dreams within the gridlocked issue. So, rather than just thinking this is an obstacle in our relationship, it's causing division and it's standing in the way of us being closer, maybe look at that gridlocked issue as an opportunity. It's an opportunity to discover and understand one another more. It's supposed to be there. It is valuable. It's not in the way. It is just a prompt to push a little bit further than the way you've been looking at the problem.
Speaker 1:It's important to understand how unaddressed wishes contribute to the relationship dynamic and it's time, if you're stuck in gridlocked and there is hurt in suing, it is time to shift that dynamic a little bit. And it doesn't mean that the issue will go away, that all of a sudden you would see eye to eye no, no, no. That is not the goal. To change the other person. Have them come to your way of seeing things. With a gridlocked issue, it is acknowledging that we may never see things the same way, that this may be an issue to our dying day, but the goal becomes that we don't get gridlocked, that we are not getting stuck in hurt because of our different desires and wants. So you want to be able to explain your position without criticizing the other person, right, and to understand this a little bit more. You can go back to Episode 40, where we talk about creating a healthy separation. They have their thoughts and feelings, you have your thoughts and feelings, and we can create space on the table for all of those. There is space for different perspectives.
Speaker 1:Being able to advocate for clear communication without blaming the other person is imperative if you want to find a hidden dream, and so it is so important to focus on what your needs and wants are when there is a disagreement, so that you are expressing those to the other person rather than judging them. And I think also, emotions are going to come up. We went a lot into that on Episode 41 about regulating your emotions. But being able to soothe each other, give each other the space to self-soothe, is going to help regulate if things get too emotional. When you're talking about a gridlocked issue, being able to acknowledge the stress of gridlocked and the importance of emotional regulation Very important, and that way you can take breaks as needed with the goal of maintaining productive communication. And that's where I recommend the process of feeling F-E-E-L find the emotion, experience it, explain it and let it go, which we did talk about somewhat in Episode 41 as well as many other episodes here, and that is the work we do inside many of my coaching groups. It's foundational work. So I think.
Speaker 1:Another thing, as we are looking for the hidden dream, it is being able to accept that you will have some of these unsolvable problems until you're dying day and it's okay, nothing is wrong with you. Every relationship is going to have some problem. But just acknowledge that reality. When we can acknowledge that reality, it really changes the course of everything we exhale and we're no longer playing tug of war and fighting against the other person. John Gottman refers to this as deploying the issue so that you can deep in understanding. Then you are able to move toward a compromise. But your compromise is a decision you make together. It's a way you can honor each one of you the core need, the core dream. How can we find a way to honor both of those? Sometimes we have to get creative and think outside of the box so we can come up with some temporary solutions and then we can find times to reevaluate those solutions that we've come up with and decide if we like them. What do we want to do as things move along? So I want to give you a few examples of some couples that I have seen, and I'm going to give them some fictitious names so that I can share their story with you.
Speaker 1:But one of the clients was John and Maria is what we'll call them, and they had a gridlock issue over relocation. John was a very steadfast individual, he liked consistency and he'd been working in a stable job in their hometown of Jefferson City, missouri, for quite a while and he really valued the security and sense of community that his job in hometown provided. Maria, on the other hand, she had dreams of pursuing a career beyond the confines of their current location. She was envisioning a future with more opportunities for professional growth and new experiences in a different, larger city. So you can see here there is a clash of hidden dreams. John's hidden dream revolves around a desire for stability, security and a strong sense of community, and Maria's hidden dream is centered on professional growth, career development and the excitement of new experiences in a different environment. So notice, we could take this issue about moving to a new community and we can pull back the layers a little bit and to see that it's not just about relocating. It's what the relocation symbolizes and what is at stake. And so for John, it feels like that stability and security is at stake, and so he is fighting for that, while Maria is fighting for this excitement of new experiences and new opportunities.
Speaker 1:So in approaching this issue, it was really important for them to have open communication, slow it down a little bit so they could understand one another, that they could articulate their hidden dreams and not just get caught up on the subject of relocation, and that eventually they would be able to compromise and find alternative solutions. Maybe there were more choices than just A relocate or B stay put. Maybe there were some hybrid jobs that would provide a little bit of both online opportunities. And so they you know Maria was open to exploring some of these alternative options, and some of it may be putting some things on a timetable. So another thing John and Maria did is they considered a compromise city that offered a balance between stability and career growth. They looked at some other options of what those other cities could be and maybe how far away they were.
Speaker 1:This process of navigating this gridlocked issue involved making that time for understanding to show that you really cared and respected where the other person was coming from, and then opening yourself up to discover those hidden dreams and ultimately make a decision that could honor both partners or dreams together, which would be a little give and take on each person's part. Each person wouldn't get exactly what it is that they want, but if they were willing to work together and find a compromise that they both both liked, that was going to work better, rather than one person giving in and then resenting the other person right so you could get your way. But is that really going to create the connection that you want? You want to be able to talk about an issue, fight about an issue, like you, like the other person, and that you are concerned about what is important to them.
Speaker 1:A second example we'll call this couple Sarah and James. They had a family planning conflict and they had been married for several years, but they had different perspectives on starting a family. Sarah was very eager to have children. She had a strong emotional pull toward motherhood, where James, however, felt uncertain about parenthood and was more focused on building his career and maintaining a specific lifestyle, and so they had to approach this where they were able to engage in open conversation about their individual dreams and fears related to family planning, and so they had to defer judgment. They had to defer trying to persuade and convince the other person so that they could really create a safe space to explore all of the fears, hopes and dreams. And for Sarah, the hidden dream revolved around fulfillment through motherhood, nurturing a family, creating a strong sense of togetherness. And James hidden dream was centered around career success, financial stability and maintaining a particular lifestyle that he wanted. And as they were able to talk about this and understand more of those hidden dreams, they could then explore some timelines for starting a family and some compromises that could align with both of their priorities and aspirations. And so it's really important, if you want to deepen intimacy in your relationship, that you are increasing this sense of deeper understanding of the hidden dream.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to leave you with one last example of the couple. We'll call them Alex and Taylor, and they had a gridlocked issue over household responsibilities. Alex really valued a clean and organized home and she just wanted this sense of peace and order, and Taylor, on the other hand, preferred a more elaborate. Taylor, on the other hand, preferred a more relaxed approach to household chores, prioritizing personal time and relaxation, and so both of them work full time, and Alex would find herself frustrated that Taylor was not as invested in taking care of the home and prioritizing that during their free time. So Alex's Hidden Dream is rooted in a sense of peace, desiring a well-organized and tidy living space that reflects control and order, and Taylor's Hidden Dream focused on personal relaxation, flexibility and the freedom to pursue individual interest without feeling overwhelmed by chores. So both of their dreams, both of their desires, are good things.
Speaker 1:It is just figuring out how to honor both of them without conflicting with the other person, so to be able to understand what it was that they wanted from the other person in this situation. In this case, alex was probably wanting Taylor to honor this desire for a peaceful environment the same way she did, but he just didn't see it the same way. But he could understand, the same way, that he valued the flexibility and personal relaxation. She did value this and that actually helped her relax more, so that she could be present and they could work out some compromises, that she would be available to relax and watch TV with him if he could step it up a little bit and spend some time helping clean the house, and she could also acknowledge that this was important to her. It wasn't necessarily the right thing to do, it wasn't that she was right until it was wrong, but she could do some things, knowing that, hey, this is something that's important to me and that I value, and so who better than me to do it?
Speaker 1:So, in summary, I want to just reflect on a few key points here that every relationship will have some problem that feels unsolvable.
Speaker 1:It will rear its head until it's dying day, and underneath that gridlocked issue there are hidden dreams.
Speaker 1:And when we can learn to deepen understanding, have calm conversations, then we are able to unearth the hidden dream and we are able to navigate the issue in a way that hurt does not ensue, that we don't get stuck in hurt and disappointment and frustration because we're no longer trying to change the other person, but then we're finding a way to honor and support one another in pursuing their dreams, which is going to involve some level of compromise. And so this is part of the work that we do inside relationship reinvention. It is the work that I do with all the couples that I work with, and so you know final call here on the podcast if you want to join me for that. The enrollment will be closing soon. We're going to unlock all of that March 1st, so thank you guys for listening today. I hope that you are enjoying this series and I will see you next week when we talk about how to be a better listener. See you then In JOILLAmakos podcast, and see you next week.