This is part 8 of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track. Today's episode discusses creating regular connection points in your relationship. As you are intentional with a few things, this helps foster shared meaning in your marriage and increases the likelihood of spontaneous connections.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
This is part 8 of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track. Today's episode discusses creating regular connection points in your relationship. As you are intentional with a few things, this helps foster shared meaning in your marriage and increases the likelihood of spontaneous connections.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
You are listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with Jill Lillard, episode number 47. Welcome to the Happiest Lives podcast, where you'll learn to think better, feel better and become the woman God says you already are. Here's your host, jill Lillard. Hello, my friends, welcome back to the podcast. We are continuing the series. It's been a long series, but I hope it's been good for you.
Speaker 1:How to get your relationship back on track? We're almost done. We have this week and then next week and then we're going to move on to something new. So we have talked about a lot of things that you can do, a lot of different perspectives. You can take ways you can approach your relationship if you want to get it into a new place, and one of those things is establishing rituals of connection. So what is a ritual of connection? Well, this is a term that I learned from John Gottman and it is a way that is going to deepen your connection by creating shared meaning in your relationship, and rituals are things that you can count on. They are consistent ways that you are showing up in your relationship.
Speaker 1:Rituals of connection can be very simple. They can be very informal. They don't have to be a big, organized production, so it could be like sharing a meal together. It could be how you greet each other at the end of the day, the way you leave for work in the morning, it could be working out together, or rituals that you have even before you go to bed at night. Our rituals of connection can even be more formal and scheduled, such as a planned relationship check-in. Gottman calls these State of the Union meetings, where you sit down, maybe once a week, maybe it's once a month, and you check in on your relationship. It could be a weekly date that you have planned. You have a babysitter every Tuesday night to watch the kids so that you guys can have some time for yourselves. It may be scheduling times for intimacy and romance and routine times that you're going to release stress together. Maybe it's going on a vacation together. Ritual connections also include how you're going to celebrate certain achievements, anniversaries, or having people over into your house. So why are they important? I think they are a way that we can be very intentional about our relationship, so that our relationship doesn't go in autopilot. Or if it is going in autopilot, it is.
Speaker 1:There are some routines that we have in place, so for yourself, you may have some rituals that keep you healthy, like getting up every morning and brushing your teeth. That may be a ritual that you have, and so it may feel like you're an autopilot You're not having to think about it all the time, but it is something intentional that you put in place that is going to feel meaningful for you. And I think about having a garden or landscaping in your front yard. If you just let everything go without some sort of ritual or routine in place, it's going to be more frustrating to keep up with pulling the weeds and trimming back the bushes and all the things, and so you may just be more reactive to what is going on in your front yard. So if you have routine times that you're going to mow the grass, that you know on Saturday mornings is when you mow the grass, then you have some ritual in place that is going to prioritize and help you be intentional with having your yard look a certain way. And it's the same thing with our marriage. Sometimes we put that on the back burner and we're not very intentional or thoughtful about what we're doing, although in other areas of our life we are more routine, maybe we are more thoughtful, and so rituals of connection are not a way of going brain dead in your relationship. You want them to be a meaningful way that you are honoring your relationship, an intentional way that you are connecting, and so if you want to create some rituals in your relationship, it may be as simple as having a conversation with your partner, maybe brainstorming of some different rituals that you could put in place, things that you can count on to connect, and exploring which ones that you guys want to commit to together. Thank you, you could even personally put some rituals of connection in your relationship. I always give the example.
Speaker 1:My husband now works from home, but for years he worked outside of the home and he I could always kind of count on. It wasn't like a spoken thing that we came up with, but I noticed every time he came home from work, before even put his bags down, he would. He would find me and usually I would be in the kitchen getting dinner together, but he would. He would come in the dorm before he'd even greet the dog. The dog would be running excited to see him. He's like oh, I got a kiss, mama, first, and he would come give me a hug, kiss, and then he'd put his stuff down. And so I think it was very intentional, and before he would leave for work in the morning He'd always give me a kiss goodbye, and so I think for him I don't think that would have happened spontaneously Every day if it wasn't something that he was consciously doing, and so that was a ritual that I could count on my relationship, and so maybe it didn't always feel Meaningful for me, but if he wouldn't do it, I I would notice and there was, and it would make me appreciate that I'm glad that he's committed to our relationship in this way and is prioritizing me, and so in the routine there was a message conveyed in that, and so you too can think about maybe something ritualistically that you want to do in your relationship.
Speaker 1:Now I think the thing with rituals is we want to make sure that we're not just going through the emotions, the emotions going through the emotions, going through the motions, which maybe is going through the emotions, but we want them to feel meaningful to us, we can feel connected to them, and if they start feeling Just so routine that your heart is feeling disconnected from them, you can always reevaluate them and put some new Rituals in place. You can always make sure routine up. So some examples of rituals of connection. I'm just going to give from my own relationship and, as you Listen to me, go through these routines that we have in our relationship. Try not to compare where your marriage is. It's a great place to get some ideas. But don't feel, just notice. Notice whatever it is that you are feeling, whatever it is that you are thinking, notice your thoughts, notice feelings that come up for you and just know you're exactly where you need to be right now. The way that we know that is because that's where you are and anytime we're trying to get our relationship back on track. We're trying to grow and create improvements. You don't want to do that from a place of discouragement, judgment, comparison. Okay, you want to recognize this is where we are now and these are things that we can do. These are things that I can do starting from where I am now to to move forward.
Speaker 1:So one of the things that a ritual that we have in our relationship is a good morning kiss. Rich usually finds me in the morning, coffee in hand, having my quiet time, and he greets me with a kiss and asks how I slept. Connecting or sing in the morning. It can set a positive tone for the rest of the day. So your spouse may not be like rich. Rich is very good at affection and he's better at that than I am. I I'm not the one hunting him down, giving him a kiss, but that is a way that he expresses his love to me and I do appreciate that.
Speaker 1:Another way that we connect is sharing goals. Throughout our marriage we have shared exercise, health-related goals, and sometimes we've implemented those together or we've implemented those separately, but working towards a common goal of being physically active can foster a sense of partnership and collaboration. Quality time we both value quality time together without distractions. This would include putting away electronic devices during family meals, maybe taking walks together. Now, this is an area where I feel like we can approve. Sometimes I feel like electronic devices interfere with us being able to connect as a couple and as a family, but there are protected times, especially meal time, where those devices are not allowed at the table.
Speaker 1:Daily check-ins this isn't a real formalized process, but I know we are both intentional both of us being very relational people that each day we will share our highlights, our challenges, our feelings. This can be very brief, even For some of you. If this is something that doesn't come naturally you may have to formalize it a little bit of saying, hey, can we add a daily check-in to have this routine that we add Maybe have 20 minutes where we sit down and you, for 10 minutes tell me about your day and for 10 minutes I'll tell about my day, as a way to just reduce stress and stay connected and know what's going on in each other's life. But checking in throughout the day or at the end of the workday I know helps keep us connected.
Speaker 1:Another ritual that we have is when we go to church together or we go to dinner together or different things. Where you are sitting down with groups of people, we usually sit by one another. Church is one of those rituals that we have. Every Sunday morning we go to church together and the kids never sit in between us. I had a professor when I was working on my masters in counseling and he pointed out this observation. He pointed out watch couples and see where their children sit in relationship to them. If you go to church you could see different couples. Sometimes all the kids are in between the mom and the dad and he said this could tell you a lot about a couple. Now, if you are friends of mine don't think I'm sitting here evaluating your marriage, where you guys are sitting, but I know for myself we are very intentional and have been very intentional even when the kids were little that Rich and I still sit next to each other as a way of just prioritizing and communicating and recognizing in our own head that we are an important unit, that our marriage with each other, our relationship with each other, is above our relationship with our children, in a way that Rich and I are going to always be together. Our kids are going to grow up and leave the house. We have a role in their life for a limited time that changes as they age, and so that is a way that we have prioritized our relationship and sent the message to our kids that they cannot get in between us, that we are a solidified unit in that way. Another ritual is watching a show. Now I am not as much of a TV person as Rich is, but he has always been a big movie buff and he likes to relax and watch shows and sports and all the things.
Speaker 1:I've tried the sports. I tried the sports very hard in the beginning of our relationship and I even took up knitting so that I could sit there on Sundays with him, before we had kids, and watch sports with him, because it was really hard for my mind to focus on the game. He even wrote a handbook for me very sweetly so that I could understand football better. But I would find my mind would keep drifting and I would get caught in other thoughts and I would start feeling really restless sitting there. So I would try to stretch, I would try to find things that I could do so I could be next to him. Sometimes I would lay on the couch and fall asleep with him and that was all nice. But at one point I decided I was going to take up knitting to keep my hands busy, and Rich joked that there was steam coming out of the knitting needles because I was on such a mission to get my project done. And so I actually ended up with carpal tunnel because I was so intense in my knitting while I watched the game. So sports did not work very well for me.
Speaker 1:I don't know, maybe I'll try it again someday, but we do watch a show every day at the end of the day and we've done that since our kids have been really little. We've been very protective with bedtimes for our kids. Our kids are older now. My son's actually getting married and my daughter's a sophomore in high school, and so it's not quite the same as it was. But even so, even as they are older, sometimes that can be challenging to find time together because everyone's up later and everyone's there. They kind of know at the end of the day like, hey, you can stay up at like at this at this time. I mean, it used to be earlier, it used to be like, ok, seven o'clock, everyone's going to bed. Then you know maybe eight o'clock, and so at least by nine o'clock like, hey, this daddy and I are going to hang out now. Now, as my son would come home from college and we didn't see him as much sometimes around, you know, christmas break and all of those things, it's just it's it's kind of more relaxed. There was some flexibility there, but as a routine throughout our marriage, at the end of the day we would have different shows that we'd watch together, and I would look forward to that. I would look forward to following a series with him, and so this would be a really nice way to unwind together and look forward to sharing that time together.
Speaker 1:Another ritual in our relationship is affectionate gestures, so throughout the day we sprinkle in hugs, kisses, holding hands to create a sense of closeness and connection. And I would say, riches love languages more affection than mine is I, I love affection and I, if he is less affectionate than he normally is, I start feeling like something's wrong and I miss that. But he's always been a pursuer of that more than me, and I do appreciate that greatly. And I know for myself I am often a doer, I'm acts of service, and so sometimes I have to slow down and remember like, hey, it's important to pause and just give him a hug when I'm passing him, rather than always focusing my mind on the next thing that needs to be done. And a last ritual of connection that I wanted to highlight was celebrating birthdays in our anniversary. So for us, our birthdays are two days apart and then six months after that is our anniversary. So it works out really perfectly.
Speaker 1:Every six months we would get get away. We would we do get away for a few nights to just be rich and Jill when the kids were little. It would be more of a staycation, like hey, mom, can you take the kids for the night? And we would just have a night together so we could stay up late, we could sleep in, we could do whatever we wanted during that time. Over the years it got longer, it got like, oh, one night's not enough, we want to night, we got, we want two nights, and so where it is right now, it's usually about four nights with a long weekend, and we typically do get away and go somewhere, and it doesn't have to be really expensive. We prefer not having a lot of activities planned. The goal is really just to be together, not distracted, not having other commitments, where we can do whatever it is that we want to do, which is usually sleeping in, staying up late, having good food, shopping, walking around, hiking things, things such as that, staying at acute VRBO and visiting a new little town. So it's always well needed and it's a very life giving time for us to be able to slow down and reconnect with no other commitments, and so I've been thankful for that little ritual that we have put into our marriage.
Speaker 1:So what obstacles? As you hear me share different rituals of connection. Maybe you don't have a lot of rituals because you just haven't been intentional to do so. Maybe your schedules have been erratic. Maybe you're one of you travels a lot for work, and so maybe there are different reasons. You would say you haven't had rituals, and maybe you actually have more rituals than you even thought you did. As you listen and reflect on this, notice that there are some rituals you may have in place. Maybe you want more rituals of connection, and so I think part of this is just having a conversation with your partner and then also evaluating for yourself maybe some rituals that you want to put in place.
Speaker 1:If your relationship has been in a negative place, there's lots of negative feelings. Maybe it feels hard to do this, but sometimes just being open and willing goes a very long way, and I think one concern sometimes with rituals of connection is getting bored that a routine can get boring, it can lose a sense of meaning, and so that's important to consider too. If your routines aren't feeling meaningful to you anymore, if you're feeling disconnected from them, then it's time to maybe reevaluate, and so I wanted to just give you an example of a client, and we'll call them Alex and Taylor. I always like to give my clients different names to protect the confidentiality, but they're representative really of lots of clients that I have seen throughout the year, and maybe they are representative of you, of some of my listeners out there, but Alex and Taylor, they've been married for several years and they loved each other deeply.
Speaker 1:So during our course of work together, they were able to acknowledge that they were feeling bored with their current rituals. They realized that the relationship needed a refresh to inject more excitement and just a sense of novelty into the relationship. And I know a lot of you. Your marriages may be in that place Sometimes as you're entering that empty nest syndrome that you're thinking. You do have some routines that are in place and maybe some of it has just felt really dull, boring and you aren't feeling as connected to it. So that is a time to look at how you might want to refresh those routines, like Alex and Taylor did.
Speaker 1:So instead of sticking to the same routine, this couple decided to explore new activities together. So I think when you explore new ideas, when you have a brainstorm session, you wanna be really open-minded. If you guys are sharing ideas, exploring new things, and you're shooting down somebody's idea, then it really closes down that opportunity to just explore ideas. So I like the guidelines. No idea is a bad idea. Let's just look at all the ideas, jot them down, think about them. We're not committing to anything, we're just thinking of maybe some new activities that we can do together, and so this couple made a list of things that they'd always wanted to do but they hadn't, and it included things like taking dance lessons, trying out a cooking workshop, planning spontaneous weekend getaways.
Speaker 1:And, to add an element of surprise, they introduced a monthly surprise date night, and one partner would plan the entire evening without revealing any details to the other person, and so this brought an element of anticipation and excitement back into the relationship. They also revisited their shared hobbies and interests from when they were dating, so we're just rediscovering activities that they used to enjoy together, such as hiking, playing a sport or attending live performances, helped them reignite the passion they once had. So you could look at your relationship when you guys were first dating. What were the things that you enjoyed doing together? They also recognized that electronics had become a significant part of their downtime, and so they implemented a tech-free time during certain evenings, and so this meant on certain evenings there would be no phones, no tablets, no TVs. Instead, they engaged in meaningful conversations, they played board games or they simply enjoyed each other's company.
Speaker 1:Another ritual that they put in place was having a regular check-in, and they made it a habit to check in about their relationship once a month, and so at this time they would start with what was going well and then they would openly communicate about what wasn't working and ensuring that they both felt heard and understood in the relationship.
Speaker 1:And one thing I noticed as life evolved for them I saw this couple periodically throughout the years of their relationship that they remained open to adapting the rituals and activities based on new interests, life stages and experiences, and so you can apply what really worked the work that Alex and Taylor did in our time together to your relationship.
Speaker 1:By actively addressing boredom and taking a proactive step to inject variety and novelty into your relationship, you can revitalize the connection. New rituals of connection can bring back a sense of excitement and joy, fostering a deeper bond between you, and so I hope that you guys have learned something from today's podcast the importance of recognizing rituals of connection, evaluating what rituals that you have in your relationship and if your rituals have become a notness and the positive impact that you want them to have feels like it's lacking, that it's okay to introduce some variety and spontaneity into your relationship. So thank you guys for listening today. Next week we are gonna talk about discovering your shared wants what is the shared meaning that you have in your relationship and that week we'll close out the series how to Get your Relationship Back on Track. So I look forward to seeing you then.