This is part six of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track. In this episode, I explore what it means to show up as yourself. You want to be in a relationship with someone because they value YOU, not you being who you think they want you to be. Awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and desires is crucial to express yourself and feel close and connected to others. We consider obstacles to speaking up and the benefits of sharing yourself in an honest and true way.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
This is part six of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track. In this episode, I explore what it means to show up as yourself. You want to be in a relationship with someone because they value YOU, not you being who you think they want you to be. Awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and desires is crucial to express yourself and feel close and connected to others. We consider obstacles to speaking up and the benefits of sharing yourself in an honest and true way.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
You're listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with Jill Lillard, episode number 45. Welcome to the Happiest Lives podcast, where you'll learn to think better, feel better and become the woman God says you already are. Here's your host, jill Lillard. Hello, hello everyone, welcome back to the podcast. We are going to continue the series how to Get your Relationship Back on Track, and today we're talking about sharing honestly.
Speaker 1:What does it mean to share honestly in your relationship? Certainly, it's not saying everything that you are thinking, it's not spewing impulsively all your thoughts and feelings onto the other person, but it is showing up in your relationship in a way that is true and authentic and where you get to actually show up in the relationship and have a voice. So, to get to this point in review, to start the series, in episode 40, we talked about creating a healing separation. We then moved forward, talking about how to regulate your emotions, then how to make deposits in your love bank. We then talked about finding the hidden dream which is hidden inside your gridlocked issues. Inside conflict. There is a hidden dream, and last week we discussed how to be a better listener and as we progress in the direction of getting your relationship in a place where you want it to be. It is also important not only to be a good listener, but to be able to express yourself in the relationship in a way that is building up the greater whole and that allows you to be who God created you to be.
Speaker 1:And so why don't people share themselves in a relationship? Why might you withhold your thoughts and feelings? Sometimes we're afraid of conflict. Some of us may be more conflict-aversive. We don't like any disagreement, and this could be rooted in our past experiences or just a general desire to maintain harmony. Some of us may also be afraid of being rejected. We're afraid that our spouse will not understand or accept our thoughts and feelings, and we might be reluctant to open up and be vulnerable. Some of you guys may have past trauma or baggage that you've experienced in your life, and these emotional wounds might make it challenging for you to trust others with your innermost thoughts and feelings, and so you find yourself guarding yourself to avoid potential emotional pain. We can also have just different communication styles in our relationship. One person may be more reserved and introverted, and so they find it challenging to express themselves verbally. But being able to understand your differences, the different ways you do communicate, and finding alternative ways to communicate is crucial if you want to be able to show up more authentically in your relationships.
Speaker 1:Culturally, there can be different experiences, maybe in your family upbringing, because your family that you grew up really is in its own culture, or even in the bigger culture that you're from. This can influence how you express yourselves. In some cultures or families there may be an emphasis on privacy or belief that certain topics should not be openly discussed. Some individuals may have developed communication skills that aren't always the most effective and they may struggle to express themselves clearly or fear that they lack the ability to articulate their thoughts and feelings. There may be a lack of confidence. It may be more difficult for them to express themselves verbally and sometimes our self-esteem when we don't feel good about ourselves.
Speaker 1:Maybe when we're preoccupied with ourselves, we may doubt the value of our thoughts and opinions, believing that maybe our feelings aren't important or that people won't give them the level of importance that we think they deserve, that they won't be taken seriously by our partner. We may also have some unresolved issues in the relationship and that can create reluctance to share because of how our partner has responded to that in the past. So if there's been a history of not being heard or understood, a person may become hesitant to communicate openly, and sometimes we may just fear that others are judging us, that our partner is judging our thoughts or our actions, and this fear of judgment can be a barrier to more open communication. And lastly, I think sharing our thoughts and feelings does put you in a vulnerable position, and we don't like to be vulnerable. So some individuals may perceive that vulnerability even as a greater threat. It may be perceived as a weakness, and so we may maintain a more guarded or stoic demeanor.
Speaker 1:So these are reasons why you may not show up honestly or authentically in your relationship. So why should we? Why should we share honestly? Why should you have a voice in your relationship? Well, I think sharing honestly it means that you have the ability and the confidence to express your thoughts, feelings, opinions and need within the partnership, and so it involves open communication. It involves for you to be an active participant in the decision making. You're not just sitting on the sidelines as though your relationship is happening to you. You are an active participant in your relationship, and when you do this, you are putting yourself in the position of feeling heard and respected by your spouse. If you don't participate, if you don't step up to the plate, then this isn't even possible and you may just feel like a victim of your circumstance.
Speaker 1:So having a voice, sharing honestly in your relationship, is having open communication. It's feeling comfortable to share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Open communication creates a space where both partners can express themselves honestly, without fear of judgment, and you actively can contribute to discussions and decisions within the marriage. So this thing can include anything and everything, from day to day choices to long term plans, ensuring that both of you have a say in the direction of the relationship. And it's also feeling as though your partner respects your opinion and values your input. So, even if you have different views, there is a mutual understanding and appreciation for the other person's perspective and your own perspective. Being able to have a voice is having an equal say in decisions that do affect the relationship. So this might include financial choices, parenting decisions, career moves and other significant aspects of married life. So you can also set boundaries in your relationship, being able to assert and communicate your boundaries within the marriage. So this involves expressing what's acceptable or unacceptable to you and respecting your partner's boundaries as well, just as I want you to have a voice. You want to also be able to actively listen to your spouse. We talked about this in last week's episode.
Speaker 1:So a healthy dynamic involves this two-way exchange of ideas, concerns and emotions. Having a voice in your marriage empowers you to be an active participant shaping the relationship. So the person is married to you because they want to be married to you, not some version of who you think they want you to be, because that is not really being you. They're not really loving you for you. They're loving for you, for people pleasing and trying to be who they want you to be. So this sense of empowerment comes from knowing that your thoughts and feelings matter and that they contribute to the overall well-being of the relationship. When you are able to share honestly, you are engaging in a constructive communication. During your conflicts, you're seeking resolutions together, and so this involves expressing your needs and concerns, which also is being open to understanding your partner's perspective.
Speaker 1:Your spouse provides emotional support. When I think about the partnership of marriage, you guys are there for one another, to provide emotional support, understanding and validation of one another. Now, the other person may not always validate you in the way that you are hoping for. You may not feel like they support you in the way that you would like them to, but if you are not sharing your voice, if you're not speaking up, how can they know what they don't know? So I think having a voice means feeling emotionally connected and allowing yourself to be supported in your marriage, and so, even if your partner doesn't step up to the plate the way that you are hoping, you are at least stepping up to the plate in a way that gives them an opportunity to be there for you emotionally. And so, as individuals and as a couple, you want to be open to growth and change, and so this does require making yourself a little bit vulnerable. It requires us to share honestly. Having a voice allows for you to be able to grow, for the relationship to be able to grow over time, adapting to the needs and aspirations of both partners. So this is essential for building a healthy, fulfilling and mutually respectful partnership, because we are part of the greater whole. We're not islands here. So sharing honestly contributes to a sense of equality, emotional intimacy and overall satisfaction in the relationship. So how can you share more honestly?
Speaker 1:I think being able to create a safe place, so making sure that your communication environment is safe and free of judgment. So letting your spouse know that you value open and honest communication and that your intention is to strengthen your relationship and that you want to show up openly and honestly, I think being able to choose the right time, picking a suitable time to have an important conversation, avoid discussing sensitive topics when either one of you is stressed, hired or distracted, because oftentimes that will not go well. So being intentional, choosing moments when you can give each other your full attention when you express yourself, I think being able to use I statements, expressing your thoughts and feelings using I statements helps you avoid sounding accusatory. So, for example, instead of saying you're making me feel this way, you can say I am feeling this way because I'm thinking this, and so this helps you take responsibility for your emotions and your thoughts, and it encourages the other to respond to you in a more empathic way, because their defenses aren't going up as they typically might be when you're pointing your finger and placing blame on them. And clearly articulating your thoughts and feelings in a very specific way can be helpful A lot of times. If we're really vague or just making generalized statements, it can lead to misunderstandings, and so providing specific examples can help your spouse understand your perspective better.
Speaker 1:Being an active listener, encouraging your spouse to share their thoughts as well and actively listen when they do, is going to create that reciprocal conversation. Repeating back what you've heard can help ensure understanding and asking follow-up questions to deepen understanding. Or all is really important as well, so as you express yourself, don't just limit your honesty to negative feelings or concerns. Share positive experiences, express gratitude and communicate your love and appreciation for the other person. A balance of positive and negative communication is going to foster healthier connection between you, and clearly communicating your needs and expectations is really important for your spouse so they can understand what you require for fulfillment in the relationship, and so this could include emotional support, time together or help with specific tasks.
Speaker 1:We can't expect our partner to be a mind reader, and just being willing to be vulnerable is so important sharing your fears and securities and aspirations with your spouse. This creates a deeper emotional connection and it allows your partner to understand you on a more profound level. Make sure that you're avoiding blame and criticism, so focusing on expressing your feelings rather than placing blame. Instead of saying you always do this, say I feel hurt when this happens, and this will shift the conversation from being accusatory to being more constructive and when you can seek solutions together. So if the conversation involves a challenge or conflict, when you can express yourself, you are working together to find a solution. In this way, you're approaching problems as a team, emphasizing collaboration and compromise and I think, being patient with the process.
Speaker 1:Sometimes sharing honestly is a process, so you have to be patient with yourself and your partner. It may take time to fully articulate your thoughts and for your partner to process and respond, but as you commit yourself to this process, you can learn and grow. So I was thinking of a few couples that I've worked with, a few examples of sharing honestly. I did see a couple yesterday and the husband was expressing he was talking about his wife and sharing with her that it seemed she only expressed her needs, her desires, when there was conflict, when she had reached the point and was upset, and she really validated what he was saying that, yes, she kind of internalized her own desires and wants, trying to be accommodating, and sometimes it would just build up and then it would all come out in some heated moment and so something she was going to work on was being able to express herself more quickly in the moment as things come up, came up To not just spew out everything that was going on, but when something maybe was upsetting to her, when she desired or wanted something that she would be more forthright in expressing that.
Speaker 1:I think there's also the example of in the bedroom, of what happens. I have heard husbands say time and time again to you know about their wives that it is more enjoyable for them when they believe their wife is also enjoying the experience. And I know a lot of women maybe are more aversive or less interested in what's happening in the bedroom than their husband is. And because maybe they are showing up as people pleasers, they're constantly trying to think what is pleasurable for their partner, and so sex can be become a chore. It's another person to take care of, another thing to do. But when you can shift into your own desires what feels pleasurable and good to you and, as one husband said, be a little bit more selfish, that actually can become more enjoyable for the other partner, for the husband. So that is one way that sharing honestly is important.
Speaker 1:Expressing your needs and tuning into your own wants and desires can really benefit the couple as a whole as opposed to just trying to people please and satisfy the other person. I've also seen this example time and time again, and maybe a woman individually coming in for therapy, coaching and she has is in midlife and maybe she has lived her marriage. She has lived her life as a mother, as a wife, just trying to meet the needs of other people, accommodating. Maybe she's been more submissive and supportive, but all of a sudden she has had enough and she has gone to the other side of the continuum. Rather than being people pleasing, she is now it's all about me, my needs, my wants, and so we can go to these different extremes where we're just trying to accommodate others and then we that might backfire on us, where resentment has built up and we swing to the other end of the pendulum, where we become more self centered, and so neither one of these are a beneficial place. We want to be able to create space for everyone involved, that we aren't just suppressing our voice to create room from another for another person's voice.
Speaker 1:Now you may have marriages where some people are naturally more flexible, less opinionated, and they may marry a partner who is more opinionated, and so they may complement each other in that way. It may work well, but if resentment is ever growing in the relationship or you're expecting your partner to know things that they don't know because you're not expressing it, then you are really putting yourself in the position of almost a victim, where you feel like your relationship is happening to you. You feel unhappy, you're resigning the other person, and yet that person cannot know what they don't know because you have not expressed that, and so you are responsible for speaking up for what it is that you are thinking, feeling, what your opinion is in that situation, and it's not always being selfish. It really is never being selfish when we're just expressing our thoughts and feelings on a matter. That can be very different than when we are just forcing that it has to be our way or the highway, and that's not.
Speaker 1:That is certainly not what I'm saying when I'm asking us to share honestly. Sharing honestly is just creating space for both of you, two of you in the relationship. So, in summary, if you want to have a healthy relationship, if you want to get your relationship back on track, maybe it's time to find your voice, figure out what your thoughts and opinions are about things, so that it doesn't seem that your life is just happening to you on default. If you are feeling resentment, if you are feeling disconnection from your partner, then you have to take some responsibility for that and be able to express your way yourself in a way that is non accusatory. But that is helping the person deep in understanding of what it is that you're thinking of, what you're thinking, feeling and wanting in the relationship. Thank you, guys, for tuning in today. I hope you'll come back next week as we continue the series and we are going to talk about making requests without demanding. I will talk to you guys then.