Ever wondered how to enhance your emotional intelligence to improve your relationships and conversations? That's exactly what we're diving into today. We start by investigating the 'Talk Table,' a tool that helps us create room for more authentic emotional connections. We also uncover the significance of being comfortable with our emotions, leading to a more profound understanding of ourselves, thus improving how we articulate our feelings.
Switching gears, we focus on how to bring authenticity to our conversations, influencing our relationships positively. We'll learn how to be an active listener, separate facts from opinions, and reverse engineer our conversation for a more meaningful connection. We'll navigate through the stormy seas of our emotions during these interactions. Wrapping up, we highlight the Happiest Lives Academy and its role in aiding individuals to form genuine connections in conversations. Get ready to transform the way you communicate and connect.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
Ever wondered how to enhance your emotional intelligence to improve your relationships and conversations? That's exactly what we're diving into today. We start by investigating the 'Talk Table,' a tool that helps us create room for more authentic emotional connections. We also uncover the significance of being comfortable with our emotions, leading to a more profound understanding of ourselves, thus improving how we articulate our feelings.
Switching gears, we focus on how to bring authenticity to our conversations, influencing our relationships positively. We'll learn how to be an active listener, separate facts from opinions, and reverse engineer our conversation for a more meaningful connection. We'll navigate through the stormy seas of our emotions during these interactions. Wrapping up, we highlight the Happiest Lives Academy and its role in aiding individuals to form genuine connections in conversations. Get ready to transform the way you communicate and connect.
If you are ready to become the woman God says you already are, you have to join me in Clarity+Courage, my cost-effective coaching group for Christian women.
Learn more and enroll at www.myhappyvault.com/clarityandcourage
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
You are listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with Jill Lillard, episode number 30. Welcome to the Happiest Lives podcast, where you'll learn to think better, feel better and become the woman God says you already are. Here's your host, jill Lillard. So you came back. Hello, I'm so glad you did. I truly appreciate all of my listeners and you are one of them. Thank you so much for giving me your time each week. I consider it a privilege to be in your playlist Today.
Speaker 1:Let's hop right on in to part four of the series Five Worthy Transformations. I wanted to discuss the fourth transformation that will unlock in April for those who joined the Happiest Lives Academy. I have called it Calm Conversations. When we're able to have a calm conversation, we are opening up the door to deeper understanding. We're able to compromise and come together as a team in decision-making. We're able to honor the other person. We're able to honor ourselves by showing up authentically.
Speaker 1:And yet, so often we come to a conversation and because we are flooded with emotion, because we might feel hurt or worried or angry, when we turn toward the other person, instead of disconnecting, we increase the gulf of distance between us. Have you ever gone into a conversation and it's as though you are spewing all your words at the other person, or maybe it's easier for you to identify as being the person who felt spewed at that. Someone was talking at you. Maybe you felt criticism or judgment in their words, maybe they were experiencing some emotion, but it felt like they were just vomiting that all over you. So then your defenses may go up. When there is criticism or defensiveness, then we might tend to shut down and quit trying to talk. We get discouraged and feel like it's better to deal with things on our own and as this pattern repeats itself, contempt may set in, be a dislike for the other person, a discouragement in the capability of being able to connect or see things eye to eye when we're able to have calm conversations. We have gone through a process of working through our own emotion. When we're comfortable with our own emotion, we're going to be more comfortable with someone else's emotion, and that's why, in month two of the Academy, we go through the transformation of leveraging your emotions. These skill sets build on one another. The skill set we learn in month one of organizing your mind from the inside out is going to be helpful to you as well as you try to understand emotion that you're feeling and you are able to articulate more what you're needing, wanting, what you're feeling and then you're willing to feel. This is going to help you have better conversations.
Speaker 1:To have calm conversations. When we can have calm conversations, we are going to reduce misunderstanding and unnecessary conflicts and we can strengthen emotional connection. So just because a conversation is difficult doesn't mean that's a bad thing. A lot of times those hard conversations which really is just a thought they can deepen our intimacy when we're able to be vulnerable with one another and create space for the other person to share and to show up authentically as well, and we can foster trust and empathy with one another. The more self-aware you are, the more you are aware of what's going on with you emotionally and what's going on in your mind, the better you're going to be able to identify your own triggers and be able to hit pause and take ownership for your part in the conversation, the more you'll be able to recognize the impact of your words, your tone and the more you will be able to stay grounded and composed during discussions as you connect authentically from a calm place. So we want to be able to create that calm that's going to help you show up in a conversation the way that you want to. That's going to create a result that you were hoping for.
Speaker 1:So we may have conversations for different reasons. There's different types of conversations. I think a big conversation, a frequent conversation, a helpful conversation is one of deepening understanding. Now, I say that's a frequent conversation, but I think those are the kind of conversations we should be having frequently, but a lot of times maybe we're not, we're doing the opposite of that. We're not deepening understanding. We may be striving to be understood and then we leave the conversation not feeling understood, but we're not necessarily maybe trying to understand where the other person is coming from. So I would encourage you to foster conversations, to invite more conversations that welcome a deeper understanding of one another.
Speaker 1:And this is where I have taught you all the talk table. We've talked about that in other podcasts. If you're a coaching client of mine, if you've worked with me as a couple, I offer you the tool, the talk table, which is a space to put your thoughts and feelings, for the other person to put their thoughts and feelings, and that table has room for all of them, and so we can have a perspective of sitting outside of those thoughts and feelings and looking at them. We're no longer hopping into somebody else's model what they're thinking, feeling and doing. We're able to view that as their model and we're able to have our own model, which this separation actually creates space for more connection.
Speaker 1:So another type of conversation that we can have is maybe one where we're going to make a request. There's something that we're hoping for, something we desire, something we want, maybe there are some expectations that we've had and we want to have a conversation, maybe making a request of the other person. Now, a lot of times these conversations look more like demands that we're demanding somebody show up in a certain way, and that way of approaching your desires and wants usually just breeds more disconnect, because nobody likes to be demanded of, nobody likes to be told what to do, and either someone will comply but that doesn't necessarily make them feel more connected to you, or they will resist you so they won't comply, and then you're feeling frustrated, maybe not feeling heard. But when we can have a conversation to make a request, we're not expecting that the other person has to follow through or do exactly what we want them to do, but we are letting them know what it is that we're desiring what it is that we're wanting and we're asking if they want that as well. So another type of conversation that people like to have is conversations for addressing conflict. Now, I say people like to have those. I don't know that we like to have any of those conversations, but we need to have those conversations.
Speaker 1:There may be some conflict, some differences going on, maybe some problems that we have to solve, and so when you have those conversations, you can focus on the issue at hand rather than making it into a personal attack. I think, always assuming the best of the other person, that belief can go so far. It can take you a long way and can change the way you approach the other person. So we can use I statements to express our feelings and our needs. Rather than saying you're being such a jerk, you can say, hey, when you said these words or you did this thing, that's the fact, I felt hurt, that's your feeling, because I was thinking this. That is your thought, your assumption of the situation.
Speaker 1:You may share that with the other person, but you want to know why it is that you're sharing that. Maybe you want to make them more aware. So that might be a deepening understanding conversation where you're maybe wanting them to be more aware of how you are impacted by their actions, or you may be trying to address a conflict. A behavior that they're doing isn't working for you, and so sometimes our conversations for addressing conflict are a combination of deepening understanding and making request. I think we can also have conversations where we're maybe planning something, we're making some decisions together, and before I think we can even have sometimes planning conversations, because those may involve compromise there has to be the foundation of deepening understanding, and so we also might want to have a conversation where we are more intentional to express appreciation and admiration, which may feel like a very positive conversation, but maybe you feel a little awkward or uncomfortable with that. So these are just a few types of conversations that I can imagine a couple may want to have.
Speaker 1:You may want to have in a relationship, a personal relationship, and I would say, of all of those the five of those I mentioned at the heart of all of them is deepening understanding and making a request. So when you're going to go into a conversation, you want to set realistic expectations, going into a conversation with an awareness of what outcome you're hoping to experience, what results you want to create by having a conversation, asking yourself why you want to have the conversation it's because you want to create some result. But if you can at least own that result that you're moving toward, you can then reverse engineer it, like, if I want the result that I'm showing up authentically, what are my actions, what are the things I do to show up authentically? Now notice the result isn't that the other person shows up authentically. The result isn't that the other person comes to your way of seeing things, because we can't control the outcome for the other person. So if I go into a conversation and I want someone to comply with my request, then I may feel disappointed when they don't comply, and then I'm in it, feeling more powerless or frustrated. But when the result that I'm creating is maybe that I'm making a request and I'm making space to understand you know their thoughts on the matter too then I can feel good at the end of the conversation because that part is in my control. The space that I'm making, the way that I am turning toward. That's all on me. How they respond to that, I have to release that and let it go.
Speaker 1:Now we can do things to influence others. We don't want to try to manipulate others, but we can find ways to be more influential in our relationships. I think that's kind of the premise of the Five Love languages. We're understanding, maybe, ways that people feel more loved or express love. That's the way we're deepening our understanding and we're maybe implementing that more in our relationship. We don't want to use that to make demands that someone has to show up that way. We're not using that to manipulate anyone.
Speaker 1:So, going into a conversation, you can do your best to influence and to communicate well, but change your result from how the other person responds to how you will show up. What you will accomplish, as far as it depends upon you, that is going to be a better use of your energy. So I want to give you a few strategies that you can implement to create more authentic connection. Let's say that's the results you are going for. In your conversation. You wanted to show up authentically. So some of the actions that you would take were creating space for the other person's thought and feelings. You're allowing the other person to have thoughts and feelings. You're not trying to own those. You're not hopping into their models. So you're showing up without judgment rather than interrupting or dismissing their emotions or saying they can't feel that way. You validate the perspective even if you disagree.
Speaker 1:You want to be able to separate facts from opinions, so distinguish between things that happen, words, people said, the circumstances, and then what are your personal interpretations? You don't want to make your personal interpretation the fact. Okay. So you're going to separate facts from opinions. You're going to create space for the other person's thoughts and feelings and you're going to maybe slow down, be more of an active listener, and that requires us practicing patience and avoiding rushing through our conversations, showing a genuine interest in what the other person is saying. That may happen through verbal and nonverbal cues to indicate that you are engaged and indeed wanting to invite the other person into the conversation, taking turns as speaker and listener, so that you're having a respectful and balanced exchange and you're not just monopolizing the conversation. You're giving the other person opportunity to share their viewpoint. These may be ways that you can create space for authentic connection.
Speaker 1:Those would be the actions. When you have those actions, you then want to ask if we're reverse engineering, if we're kind of doing that model backwards is how would I have to feel? So there's lots of different feelings that you could choose if you were going shopping for a feeling. You could choose lots of different feelings. You might choose compassion, humility, empathy, curiosity, kindness. Those are some feelings that I like to bring into my conversations.
Speaker 1:In this case, let's say calm, since we're calling these calm conversations. If you felt calm, it would be easier to show up in that way, because a lot of times we start feeling tense or anxious or like there's an emergency going on. You would then ask what would I have to think about this conversation to feel calm? And maybe the thought is I am able to have a calm conversation, I am able to show up authentically. We are creating space for the other person and for myself to share. We're just having a conversation.
Speaker 1:Whatever that thought is for you, try some different thoughts on and see how it makes you feel, but you want to generate the feeling of calm so that you can take the actions and create the result, which the result you indicated I indicated for you in this example was creating space for authentic conversation. So that's an example of how we would reverse, engineer a conversation before we went into it, rather than going into it with a raw emotion, even if the raw emotion is that you were feeling hurt about something and you wanted to turn toward the other person. You don't want to turn toward them with the hurt and spew the hurt at them. You want to talk to them and have a conversation. So you want to be able to move into a new model, a new feeling. In this case it was calm, or maybe it's compassion, or maybe you feel more loving or loved, and then you might share the model where you felt hurt with the other person so that you can deep in understanding. But it would be coming from the energy of calm rather than from the energy of hurt.
Speaker 1:So this is the work that we will do in the Happiest Lives Academy. I will help you pick a conversation for that month. You will focus on a conversation, maybe, that you've been wanting to have, maybe something that has felt like a problem for you in your relationship, and your number one are going to assess if you want to have a conversation. Do you need to have a conversation? Sometimes there's conflict and problems and really it is us shifting our perspective and looking at it in a different way that's going to make us feel better. Other times we may want to deep in understanding and turn toward the other person so they understand things about us that maybe they don't understand and that we understand things about them that they don't understand.
Speaker 1:So the first thing you're going to do is go through a worksheet that I give you that's going to help you decide and evaluate if you want to have the conversation and identify why you want to have the conversation. You'll then identify what result you would like to create by having the conversation. What is the outcome that you're hoping for, and then we'll go through the process of creating that intentional model to have the conversation. I'll give you some skills for maybe rehearsing it, for being able to recognize when different emotions come up for you. And, once again, this is where the work that we've done in month one and month two are going to be helpful, so that you can pause your emotions when you need to, that you're prepared to take a time out in that conversation if you need to, because that's how we have conversations we're staying connected to our feelings and being able to implement a flood plan if we become emotionally flooded. Okay, and so this is work that you commit to for the long game. We don't just hear a lesson, say check, and then we have it all in play. You have to be willing to take some risks, to fail, to learn from those failures so that you can grow and improve in your ability to have conversations, and I want to help you do that.
Speaker 1:If you are interested in joining the Happiest Lives Academy, we are enrolling now. It will run January through May and if you want to get on a call with me, if you have any questions for me, you can send me an email, jill at the happiestlivescom, and I'm happy to answer any of your questions. Learn more about the Happiest Lives Academy, including listening to some testimonies of others who have graduated from the Academy, and you can find that at myhappyvoltcom. You'll find the link there for everything that you need to know about the Academy. Thank you, guys for listening today. It is a pleasure to share with you and to teach you and to encourage you, so I hope you guys have a wonderful day and that you can have some calm conversations.